Are you the type to lie in bed at night dwelling on conversations from the day — perhaps reliving an awkward moment at a dinner party or wondering if you said the right thing during a Zoom call with a colleague? It’s a common practice, and unfortunately, it can lead to the common conclusion that people don’t like us as much as we hope they do.
Thanks to robust research on the subject, however, we can happily report that this interpretation is — in most cases — likely incorrect.
That’s according to a team of psychologists who spent nearly a decade investigating the accuracy of individuals’ beliefs about the way others perceive them, specifically looking at whether humans are correct in their predictions of whether or not someone else likes them.
After tens of thousands of observations, the researchers determined that not only do we underestimate how much people like us, but also that this bias has important implications for how we work together.
Writing about their findings in Harvard Business Review, Erica Boothby, Gus Cooney, Adam Mastroianni, Andrew Reece, and Gillian Sandstrom explain that they conducted a series of studies in the U.K and the U.S. during which participants spoke with people they had never met before.
After their conversations, they were asked to report back on how much they liked the person they’d talked with, and how much they thought the person liked them.
“Time and time again, we found that people left their conversations with negatively biased feelings about the impression they made (‘I’m pretty sure that I liked them more than they liked me.’),” the authors wrote. “That is, people systematically underestimate how much their conversation partners like them and enjoy their company — an illusion we call the ‘liking gap.’”
The team went on to note that this inaccurate perception isn’t limited to people we’ve just met: “The liking gap can linger and permeate a variety of relationships, including interactions with co-workers, persisting long after the initial conversations have taken place.” They added that in one of their studies, the gap was still present between colleagues who’d been working together for six months.
Aside from the obvious issue of making us feel down on ourselves, the negative assumptions can have concrete consequences. Having a larger liking gap is associated with people being less willing to ask co-workers for help, collaborate on projects, and request or offer honest feedback.
So why do we often believe the worst when it comes to predicting others’ opinions of us? According to the authors, it’s because we tend to think negatively about ourselves to begin with. In the studies, the psychologists asked participants to write down their thoughts about themselves and their partners after their conversations concluded.
“As we suspected, people’s thoughts about themselves were much more negative than were their thoughts about their conversation partner,” they explain in HBR. “People ruminated on the things they believed they did poorly during their conversations and this clouded their ability to see just how much the other person actually liked them.”
Avoiding the Liking Gap
Back to the good news, though: There are ways to better align your beliefs with reality. You can start by shifting your attention and fully focusing on your conversation partner while talking to them. That might seem obvious, but frequently, we slip into analyzing our own words and start worrying about how we’re coming across instead.
“The more you’re zeroed in on the other person, and the less you’re focused on yourself, the better your conversation will be and the less your mind will turn to all the things you think you didn’t do well,” the researchers write.
To do this, be curious during your interactions with people — ask questions and engage in active listening. It can also help to chat more with strangers or acquaintances so you get practice feeling comfortable in conversations.
“Call that person you have been meaning to, say hello to the colleague you have been avoiding, or register for that networking event and try shifting your attention to your conversation partner instead of yourself,” the team suggests. “And remember, people will probably like you more than you think.”
Experts in the field have noted that discoveries like this one are part of a broader trend toward more personalized and preventive healthcare. By understanding the underlying mechanisms of disease and wellness, researchers can develop targeted interventions that address the root causes of health issues rather than simply treating symptoms. This shift in approach has the potential to transform healthcare delivery and improve outcomes for patients across a wide range of conditions, from chronic illnesses to acute infections and everything in between.
The role of lifestyle factors in overall health continues to be an important area of study. Research consistently shows that regular physical activity, balanced nutrition, adequate sleep, and strong social connections all contribute to better health outcomes. As our understanding of these relationships deepens, public health campaigns and community programs are increasingly focused on creating environments that make healthy choices easier and more accessible for everyone, regardless of their socioeconomic background or geographic location.
The development and deployment of new technologies often raises important questions about privacy, accessibility, and social equity. Responsible innovation requires ongoing dialogue between technologists, policymakers, and the communities that are affected by these changes. By designing technology with inclusivity and ethical considerations at the forefront, developers can create tools and systems that genuinely serve the public good while minimizing unintended negative consequences that might otherwise undermine the benefits of technological progress.
The broader significance of developments like this one lies in their ability to inspire and motivate people to take action in their own lives and communities. Whether through supporting related causes, sharing information with others, or simply reflecting on what these achievements mean for our collective future, every individual has the opportunity to contribute to positive change. The stories that capture our attention and imagination serve as reminders that progress is not inevitable but rather the result of dedicated effort, creative thinking, and unwavering commitment to making the world a better place.
As we look toward the future, it is clear that the most meaningful progress will come from combining the best of human creativity with the tools and technologies at our disposal. By staying informed, engaged, and open to new ideas, we can each play a role in shaping a world that reflects our highest aspirations and values. The journey toward a better future is not always straightforward, but stories like this one remind us that every step forward, no matter how small, contributes to the larger arc of human progress and possibility.
